Ezy Reading: Ten Common Stoner Mistakes And Misconceptions As Reported To The Cud By A Reformed Pothead (with thanks to the Kaiser)

Evan Kanarakis

1) Skynyrd don't rock. Stoned or straight.

2) That slice of pepperoni and mushroom pizza isn't talking to you. Just eat it already.

3) The character Yoshi in the computer game Mario Kart is not a secret nod to stoned gamers everywhere. Same goes for Yoda.

3) After 45 minutes of getting reamed on an exercise bike you probably should have realised sooner that a 'spin' class wasn't going to have anything to do with mixing tobacco and weed in a shot glass. Drag.

4) Don't, under any circumstances, ever try to tune in a Nintendo 64 to a television when you're stoned. Trouble's brewing.

5) When you're ripped to the eyeballs it isn't the right time to attend that family dinner/have that deep and meaningful with your girlfriend/talk to the boss about a pay raise. At ease, solider! Sit back down on the couch and think of Jell-O.

6) If you're trying to hide the fact you're stoned, getting rid of those wicker slippers and three bottles of 'Clear Eyes' would be a good start. You're a disgrace, man!

7) It isn't ridiculously funny whenever Jamie Oliver pulls out a saucepan on the telly and says the word 'pot'.

8) No matter how firmly you believe it, you could not survive on a diet of breakfast burritos and Cheezels for the rest of your life.

9) The local council are not sending you diabolical, subliminal messages with their 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS' signs.
(but if you're reading this while stoned YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TONIGHT)

10) It's not worth a mission to the casino just to look at the multicoloured species on display in the foyer's oversized fish tank.

11) They're not looking at you, and so long as you stop that incessant giggling, they won't know you're stoned.

Ezy Reading is out every Monday.