Gemini – Life advice: Never get into an Uber Volvo...

Cancer – Meditation is a wonderful tool to clear your mind of the tinnitus of life. Use this meditation to stop the ringing in your mind: 'List, in order, the three most prolific songs that have steel drum percussion.'

Leo – If your life was a reality T.V. show how many episodes would be family viewing?

Virgo – Why is it when an army goes to war they're supported by the government, but when they return to civilian life they’re supported by charity? Try and figure out what government policy by-product your favourite charity fixes?

Libra – To say “I've had a hiccup” is to say I've had a slight misfortune. Given this understanding, what's a saying for “I’ve had a shart?”

Scorpio – Fashion blogger, visual merchandiser, life coach, government official. The aforementioned is a list of professions of people who just get in the way of the rest of us getting shit done. If you want to contribute a little more this month, for the love of God please get a real job.

Sagittarius – Search your soul. Do you currently own any Marvin Gaye, Al Green or Roberta Flack albums? You really should. Fix that.

Capricorn – Is it just me, or do the old Dirty Harry movies feature some of the the best jazz organ music in cinema? This month, try and find any film soundrtacks that could possibly outdo this.

Aquarius – In theory, academia is a good place to work.

Pisces – There's one thing Sir David Attenborough never taught us, 'Are cicada's the leading cause of tinnitus in the animal world?' Answer this and you'll shit it in to soon being awarded a knighthood (and yes, that's twice in one Mockroscope I've mentioned tinnitus- what of it??).

Aries – Try this simple new hipster meditation: “Would I prefer my clothes to be tailored, or fashion forward?”

Taurus – Help to stop moderate crime. Start a dog walking business for tourists. No-one walking a dog ever gets mugged.