It has been a while since I regurgitated some of the less foul thoughts that have been floating round my head of late, so, more as an act of personal therapy than for the glee of anyone foolhardy enough to have read this far, I'd like to empty my bowels on our dearest Cud.

I'm talking about terrorism, damn it.

Everyone is suspicious to me. I've read the posters: look for strange packages, keep an eye on the neighbours (especially if they don't go to the real church), be wary of powders in your mail (Amy Winehouse not included) or other such bullshit, but I think we're all looking in the wrong places. The real dangers, the plotting, conniving, evil amongst us, are just that. They're amongst us.

Just today, I sat and stared at two men for a good half hour while they were talking on a park bench. And you know what happened? They stared back, then one of them shouted something at me, and I think it had a swearword in it. Axis of Evil. Right there, in the park, where we walk the dogs, take the kids to get blinded after rubbing faeces in their eyes, and watch people bumming in the bushes. My local park. Fuckers. It was then, after calling the police obviously, that I realised we have to — well, I have to — warn people of potential dangers in society.

So, I've made a list — 

Those Who Are Not To Be Trusted

1. The elderly. Anyone who has been alive for that many years must be plotting something, or have plotted something in the past. It's guaranteed. Lock 'em up, and toss away the key. Also, it'll make the roads a damn sight safer.
2. People whose shoelaces are untied. What's the big hurry guys? Going to plant a bomb somewhere? Yes, they probably are, and they should be tackled immediately by standing on their laces on purpose, or imbedding chewing gum on them.
3. Close-face talkers. Er, why do they feel the need to have their face so close? I can hear you fine, please back off. If you want me to look for that bit of bran flake jammed into your lip-pit, just ask nicely, but don't put your foul, coffee stinking breath near my organs. I'll tell you why they do it, too — mind control, hypnotism. It's absolutely true, a scientific fact (Google it), close face talkers are trying to hypnotise you into donating cash-money for bombs, or your young nephews for suicide missions.

4. People who are scared to get off escalators.Just take a step, and you're off. Simple. Step-and-walk, I bet you've been doing it for years. It's just walking, nothing fancy. You want to know why they have trouble doing this, which I achieve so easily on a daily basis, sometimes even when blinking and blind drunk? I'll tell you why, because they've spent their whole lives holed up in bomb-making factories, training butterflies to carry anthrax to ourbeloved America, and plant it in boxes of Pop Tarts. Be especially careful around old people who are afraid to get off escalators, that's a volcano about to erupt I can tell you.
5. People who don't eat Pop-Tarts. See #4.
6. Moustache wearers. Adolf had one. Saddam had one. I believe Zorro had one. Chuck Norris probably allows one to grow on his lip. So what? Well, they all killed a lot of people. It's like the badge of the psychopath, I mean you argue that Zorro was essentially good, but he used to 'tag' his victims with a sword. What kind of example is that for the kids? A bad one. Get them off to Guantanamo.
7. People who run. What are they training for? Do they look like they're enjoying it? Fuck no. They're in intensive training for running away from big explosions, that's what. Get them.
8. People who have other people (the miracle of childbirth). That's men and women, all of them, just up and deciding, 'Oh, I know what, I'm going to add to the number of people who love me.' Breeding loyal masses for a dictatorship, that's what it is. They should be banned.

9. Emo-Boys. Girls, you're okay, you look sexy. Boys, your girls look sexy, and you choose not to see them because of your haircuts. Staying in again, so you can masturbate in your room to old Ramones posters, a band you've never actually listened to? I'm not so sure about you blouses. Very suspect indeed...
10. Soap-opera Viewers, Bus Drivers, Men who work in Primary Schools, Buckle-on-shoe likers, Gym-goers, Red-Bull drinkers, and anyone wearing cufflinks. They're all racist, drunk, hippy-loving, red-wearing-huckle-shooting communists. Especially men who work with young children. I mean, come on fellas, it's like wearing a t-shirt that says 'I'm a Paedo'. Ship 'em of to County, and feed them strictly on Pop Tarts.

So, as this list is by no means exhausted, I think all that is left to advise is this: remember that everywhere we turn they are watching us, planning their silly little attacks, stuffing explosives into their Reeboks, and changing regular bottled water that I just bought from the Airport shop into aeroplane-downing acids.

So what can we do about it?

Well, it's quite simple. We push them off the moving stairs, we kick them when they stumble at the kerb, we sneer at their unkempt lip grass, and, if they come to us and talk too close, well the big guns come out, and we spit whilst talking to them, all the while going a bit cockeyed (a very subtle confusion tactic used by many great soldiers over the decades.) Then, we call the police. Problem solved.

Steven Develter, P.I