What are real men? Real men are the confident tough guys who don’t pretend to be people they aren’t. Real men won’t say anything about you behind your back that they wouldn’t say in front of you, and real men always say what they mean and mean what they say. Real men aren’t worried about whether or not their appearance is in keeping with the trends, and they aren’t worried if they smell like oil instead of some putrid cologne. That said there are many ways and situations to examine where the definition of real men can be observed.

Appearance: As indicated above, appearance (though important) isn’t at the top of the real man’s list of priorities. As a matter of fact, aside from when he might happen to be in church or at a job interview, as long as he’s not walking around butt-naked, what he has on is of little consequence. Fortunately, most real men have wives, mothers or girl friends that ensure they are properly dressed in clean and hole-free clothes prior to leaving the house.

Real men do not stand in front of the mirror for more than five minutes a day. What time there is in front of a mirror is spent quickly shaving, brushing teeth and combing hair. Real men, regardless of complexion, do not stand in front of the mirror fussing over this pimple or that wrinkle. Nor do they waste time applying acne medicine or moisturizers.

When it comes to personal hygiene products, real men are decisive at the store. That’s right! They get what they need, and they leave as fast as they can. Women and wimps take forever shopping because they are supplied with way too many choices, and can’t decide what product is going to leave their skin, hair, clothes, teeth and breath looking and/or smelling the absolute best. So they start at one end of the isle sniffing every bottle (shampoo for instance) until they find the one they want. And once they finally decide on something they like, they forget which one it is next time, kicking off the same process all over again!

House: Real men’s houses have front porches that they built themselves, and in their yards they have at least one rusted charcoal grill that is always ready to use, dirty or not. Additionally, at home, real men don’t pay anyone to cut their grass when they can either do it themselves, or have one of their kids do it. That said, when it gets cut, it is cut with a “push” mower that never starts until the spark plug is thoroughly cleaned.

Car: First of all, Real men know how to change their own tires and oil, and they actually do it. Wimps get someone else to do this for them. A real man drives a pick-up because he has to carry stuff around that will not fit in the trunk of a car, and a real man isn’t worried about whether or not his truck is dirty, or that he might be climbing into the cab wearing dirty clothes or muddy work boots. In some cases however, some car driving men can be considered real men provided the cars they are driving are loaded down as if they were trucks. You may occasionally see examples of real men making cross-town moves with their cars loaded up full of house hold items, and with a mattress tied to the roof flapping in the breeze.

Clothes: As stated above, real men will, without hesitation, slide into the cab of his truck with dirty clothes. That said, real men are not worried that the clothes they’re wearing are filthy when the filth comes from their own line of work, or was the direct result of getting someone unstuck from the mud.

Jobs: First of all, barring any catastrophic disabilities, real men have jobs. In most cases, it really doesn’t matter what the job is as long as it is performed to the best of his ability, and as long as the job is an honest one. There are jobs though that, due to the inherent dangers associated with them, can be deemed as manlier than others. For example, the guy walking steel girders suspended several floors above the ground is much manlier than the guy who stands around fixing hair all day.

Children: Real men have children who have ridden a horse, have been camping, and have been fishing at least once in their lives. Children of real men will learn both the difference between right and wrong, and that making bad choices will yield unpleasant results. Furthermore, real men will teach their kids that it is perfectly acceptable to refuse to follow the crowd because more often than not children who follow the crowd tend to make bad decisions.

Pets: Of all the men who own pets, relatively few are real men. If you need evidence of this, just look at the names given to most pets. For dogs, regular guys name them things like Duke, Fido, Max or Lady. On the other hand, real men use names like Rim Shot, Spark Plug, Quick Draw or Feed Jam. Additionally, no self-respecting man would ever name their cat Fluffy, Snow Flake, or Mittens. These names are reserved for the use of little girls who consequently force their fathers (wanna’ be real men) to endure wimpy, lame names.

When all is said and done, real men don’t worry about all the little conflicts in life that don’t amount to a hill of beans. Instead, real men worry about their responsibilities as related to their families. That’s right, real men provide their children with an example of how men are supposed to act. They are encouraging, loving, kind and fair, and they treat their wives with love and respect.

(Ed.- and, with that, surely it must be Miller Time!!)