ACT ONE: SOLILOQUY STANDOFF

Hamlet and Macbeth stand at either end of a castle rooftop. The mood is melodramatically gloomy.

HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them.

MACBETH: Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.

HAMLET: To die, to sleep '
No more, and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.

MACBETH: Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more.

HAMLET: 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished.

MACBETH: It is a tale
Told by an idiot...

HAMLET: [interrupting] To die, to sleep '
To sleep perchance to dream.

MACBETH: It is a tale
Told by an idiot...

HAMLET: [interrupting again] Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause. [pause]

MACBETH: It is a tale
Told by an idiot... [now over the top of Hamlet's interruption]
...Full of sound and fury, HAMLET: There's the respect
Signifying nothing. That makes calamity of so long life.

[Pause. Macbeth moves towards Hamlet.]

MACBETH: Lord Hamlet, I presume. I find you well?

HAMLET: The better should you find me deep within one.
How now Macbeth? I hope my misery
Throws other woes of thine into relief.

MACBETH: The sole relief of this too troubled life
Lies in the losing of it.

[They peer over the edge of the parapet.]

HAMLET: 'Tis very high.

MACBETH: These celebrated battlements are fatal '
Or maybe things beneath them said to croak '
I get confused... it matters not. Adieu!
My anguish anchors me to my resolve.

HAMLET: Then I'll go first, for when weighed against my own
The millstone round thy neck sprouts wings and flies!

MACBETH: My own despair stands giant to your dwarf,
For never was there suffering like mine.

HAMLET: So trussed by incest is my family
It puts Tasmanian tendencies to shame.
Aside from this, my murdered father's ghost
Doth make a nuisance of himself to me,
Enticing me to sordid sin and more,
Whilst on the other hand, Ophelia,
My sweet amour, will nothing hear of sins
I'd happily perform with her. O wretched life!
Thou cannot claim a more unhappy lot!

MACBETH: Thou obviously hast never met my wife.
I'll grant thy troubles are of royal scale,
And yet I fear mine own doth crown them still.
Strange prophecies hath led me into crimes
So ugly that it they make the haggard wenches
Who didst summon them look dazzling beauties.
Tormented night and day am I by visions
Stabbing at the innards of my conscience.
My spouse advises leaving off the dope,
And but for this has washed her hands of me,
Deserting our once frisky marriage bed
To rant around the castle chasing spots.
Methinks I need a dose of what she's on.

HAMLET: Misery, thy name is woman!

MACBETH: Truly!

HAMLET: At least thy lady lacks in moral values.
Ophelia makes the angels seem like sluts:
'Tis boring in th'extreme.

MACBETH: Thou knowest not
What I would give for such a purity!

HAMLET: 'Tis quickly settled ' how say you twenty bucks?

MACBETH: A bargain at the price! But do you dare
Take up the challenge of my feisty queen?

HAMLET: The deal is done: we'll cancel out the debt.
[calls off] Get thee from thy nunnery, Ophelia!

MACBETH: [calls off] My dearest chuck, come hither if you please!

[Enter Ophelia and Lady Macbeth.]

Most gracious ladies fair! It has of late
Concerned us that you find monogamy
A state of little envy. In response,
Thy doting lovers are prepared to sacrifice
The higher moral ground to serve your needs.
We have agreed to swap you for a while.
How say you to a fresher change of scene?

LADY M: How accurate thy unselfish concerns!
Our marriage is as stale as is thy breath.

OPHELIA: And I am sick of tasteless innuendoes.
It is indeed a seeming faultless plan,
Excepting one small detail thou shouldst know.
Thou art too late!

LADY M: Alas, with me as well!
So tired were we of listening to thy whinging
That fearing for our mental health we called
A number in the personals last week.
Ophelia dost fit the bill most snugly.

OPHELIA: And Lady M's a sweet romantic lass!
We thank thee, though, for thine most kind intentions
And leave you here to contemplate the view.
[she peers over the parapet] 'Tis very high. Farewell!

LADY M: Good sirs, Adieu!

[Exeunt Lady Macbeth and Ophelia.]

MACBETH: Tricked by the torturous traits of female logic!

HAMLET: And cuckolded into this bargain foul!
I have been ousted by a lunatic!

MACBETH: And I by a frigid flower freak, no less.
'Tis clear that Destiny's a woman scorned.

HAMLET: O double shame and rank duplicity:
She lights a spark of hope to lure us stray
Then spits on it to lash us to our fate!
Methought my tragic life could get no worse!

MACBETH: Dear Hamlet, take my hand and trust my step:
We'll leave our misery to feed the playwrights.
Why, after this life, Hell shall seem most pleasant,
So let us leap with unfamiliar joy.

[They join hands and walk to the edge of the parapet.]

HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question,
All men heed well our answering suggestion!

[Just as they prepare to jump they catch each other's eye in a moment of blinding realisation. Immediate blackout.]

ACT TWO: DETAILS OF DESDEMONA'S DEATH

[Desdemona lies on her bed. She wakes to footsteps climbing stairs.]

DESDEMONA: Who's there? Othello?

OTHELLO: [offstage] Ay, Desdemona.

DESDEMONA: Will you come to bed, my lord?

OTHELLO: Nay, not yet.
I have a bone to pick with you, dear wife.

DESDEMONA: Why then, we have a common end in mind.
Desert thy shrouding shadows and come forth,
And let the dark of thy complexion
Light here the fire that smoulders in my soul.

OTHELLO: I mean a bone of serious contention.

[Enter Othello. He is white.]

DESDEMONA: Othello, why, you look so very pale!
On what account is this cruel transformation?

OTHELLO: Upon thy very own, disown it not!
Thy stormy sham has stripped my ship of treasure
And plundered quite my native ebony.
I took thee for a virtuous vessel truly.

DESDEMONA: Indeed I am!

OTHELLO: You lie!

DESDEMONA: Only with you,
My lord, not ever with another.
Come here; unlace my reputation thus,
I will deny thee nothing but a rest. [she begins to undress]

OTHELLO: Stay down, thou shameless lusty tigress ' down!
Devour your wanton appetite and keep
Thine (understandable) desire within
Its jewelled cage. I've found your handkerchief.

DESDEMONA: Alas, 'tis my undoing! Well I see
Through lenses of inevitable doom
That thou dost take this simple handkerchief
As proof of my affair with Cassio.

OTHELLO: I had not thought of that. Is any true?

DESDEMONA: As true an untruth as is my heart to you.

OTHELLO: Thou dost not play me for a cuckold, then?

DESDEMONA: A horny supposition!

OTHELLO: 'Tis as well '
It would have pricked my jealous pride to death.

DESDEMONA: What ails thee, then, if not my indiscretion?
Why didst thou linger on the stair so long,
And cruelly spurn my amorous advances?

OTHELLO: O were thy seeming assets not so seemly!
My doubtful step did dread this fatal floor
Where ugliness doth don a mask of beauty.
This handkerchief did open forth a glass
Through which I spied the secrets of thy soul:
Instead of spotless white my gaze was met
By that of an obnoxious green'eyed monster!
I never dreamt that such a tempting truffle
Would cheat my eager bite with poisoned core.

DESDEMONA: I must protest my innocence in this:
I am the victim of a smear campaign!
How quick thou art to stain the good opinion
Of one so lately sainted in thine eyes.

OTHELLO: Your angel's guise doth clothe the Devil's conscience.

DESDEMONA: My conscience is a starless sky at night.

OTHELLO: Then it is black!

DESDEMONA: Perhaps, but it is clear;
The colour matters not. Besides, you know
I only sneeze when passion overwhelms me,
And as thou art sole catalyst to this
You would have been a witness to my crime.
That hideous beast sprang not from this clean body,
So thus both nose and conscience are untouched.
How say you to a spot of unpure sport?

OTHELLO: Does nothing thy relentless thirst assuage?

DESDEMONA: A little loving would ' but good my lord,
It seems there's something bothering you still...
'Tis strange that one with such an appetite
Should turn away a tasty little treat.

OTHELLO: I hunger not.

DESDEMONA: Not even for hors d'oeuvres?
Thou hast been robbed of more than thy complexion...
I'll wager that thine other attributes
Diminished in proportion to thy skin!
Aha! You paint a pretty shade of pink!

OTHELLO: Such rash discrimination is not fair.

DESDEMONA: Not near as fair as is thy milky face.
I note you'll not deny it.

OTHELLO: What of that?
Thou didst deny the monster in thy hanky
And I believe you not. The inner man in me
Remains intact, and that is what should count.

DESDEMONA: My naked eye sees not the inner man,
Nor can I touch him with a fond caress.
I wed a Moor, and more into the bargain
Was I promised! Thou art a lesser man,
If not inwardly then in mine estimation!

OTHELLO: I'm still a man of magnitude.

DESDEMONA: Then prove it!

OTHELLO: Come here, you naughty hussy, so I shall.
I'll wield proud Cupid's finest faithful bow
To pierce thy heart and seize my reputation.

DESDEMONA: Why then, I will be satisfied at last! [they kiss]
Excitement swells and stimulates my blood
And builds with gathering fiery momentum '
I'll surely sneeze! A'a'a'(choo)

OTHELLO: [he smothers her with a pillow] Phew, 'twas close '
The Devil's flight was flaunted by a feather!
A tickling thought, dost thou agree, my love? [he lifts the pillow]
Dear Desdemona dead? Despair the day!
Behold this pillow's non'contamination:
A fatal testament to prove her pure!
Disloyal Death, that deals a dubious deck
To our unknowing and unwilling hands,
Replay the dice! This face of innocence
Did ne'er belie the secrets of her soul!
Now must I look my demons in the eye
Regardless of their hue. Forgive me, sweet,
I've learned my bitter lesson late but well.
To the same beast that plucked my cherished rose
Will I now sacrifice my running nose.

[He puts his face into the handkerchief and dies with a resounding blow.]

ACT THREE: ROMEO AND JULIET FOREVER

Juliet lies apparently dead on a large stone tomb in the family vault. Romeo stands over her.

ROMEO: Here's to my love! O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. [Dies]

JULIET: [Wakes] What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand?
Poison I see hath been his timeless end.
O churl, drunk all; and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make me die with a restorative.
Thy lips are warm... then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!
This is thy sheaf. There rust and let me die. [She stabs herself hard]

ROMEO: [Wakes] What? Not yet dead? The crafty apothecary
Doth take me for a fool. How now my love?
Sweet Juliet ' the light of life still
Laps upon thy brow e'en in this dark hour.
But look: mine dagger lodged in thy breast?
Hath my false death rendered thine real?
O, Juliet ' art thou twice dead, indeed?

JULIET: [Wakes] Alas, my love, it seems we've both been duped.
Thy trusty dagger nothing more a plaything is '
'Tis a toy used by actors on the stage!
The blade hath made but a scratch upon my breast;
'Twas only the force of mine own eager blow
That laid me seeming senseless this long while.

ROMEO: O, horrible duplicity! But leave it be, sweet Juliet '
We live to love another day and hence
Together shall we love to live forever!

[He draws a graffiti heart on the wall with their names above and below.]

JULIET: Forever! Nay, pray let it not be so.
Though my love for you will last as long,
How can it blossom in such dark and damp surrounds?
There's no way out: us two will prisoners be,
Jailed by our own passion ' o, blind naiveté!
Our love hath built these walls with strength to spite us!
There is but one escape ' to die with dignity!

ROMEO: Speak not so, sweet Juliet. 'Tis better that
We live with love in this dark prison cell
Than die in some brighter place ' dost thou agree?

JULIET: Alas, thou art sadly delusioned, my sweet.
What use is all our love and passion shackled?
A love that never daylight sees is good as dead.
We owe our feelings freedom ' 'tis th'only way:
Romeo and Juliet must die that their love might live.

ROMEO: Come, come ' what fatalistic nonsense this all is.
The friar's brew hath tampered with thy mind,
Or else the moon plays havoc with thy hormones.
Let's seal a happy future with a kiss.

JULIET: Not now! We're doomed to die ' I tell you true!
I overheard a man by name of Chorus
Tell our story as written in the stars.
We die that our two houses reunite,
Through selfless sacrifice of our young love
We tragic heroes are for all eternity!

ROMEO: I see such romance sticks thee to thy cause.
Relax a while and let my kiss speak mine...
'Twould seem a shame to let the moment pass
As we're both here. Why not, indeed, my love?

JULIET: I see that thou hast missed the point entirely.
No matter ' I shall die alone. Farewell!
We'll meet perhaps beyond this earthly grave
When boredom illuminates my argument.

[Juliet throws herself theatrically off the tomb, only to be caught by Romeo.]

ROMEO: Thou sayest thou lovest me: if it be true
Then leave me not alone with thine dead ancestors!

JULIET: Mine ancestors are no more dull than thine!
Wilt thou not join me then, dear Romeo?
Together we'll depart this mortal coil
And take our place amongst the stars above,
Our love emblazoned eternally!

ROMEO: I cannot attempt my life a second time
In one short day, even for you, my love.
Thou must live to love me in the mortal sense.
My soul's fate rests in thy grasp alone.

JULIET: Bid me well on my journey, then, my sweet;
I'll take thy heart if not thy hand for company.
Again adieu! I die to save our love!

[Juliet tries uselessly to slash her wrists with Romeo's knife.]

ROMEO: No, no! Spare me the misery of solitude!
Ne'er have I more grateful been for budget props:
The knife it seems hath seen too much rehearsing.
Let's put it to some better use than thine...
An apple may renew thy faith in life. [He throws her an apple]

JULIET: An apple ' yes! 'tis said that this fruit's pips
Contain a dose of deathly cyanide.

[She tries to cut the apple with the knife.]

I'll reap its evil harvest less than grimly.

[She swallows the pips and collapses.]

ROMEO: How irony doth avenge th'original sin.

JULIET: [Burps] A spot of indigestion ' nothing more!
How my unwanted life doth hang on me
With such a tight and unrelenting noose...
Aha! My words hath answered mine own question!

[Romeo starts stripping as she takes off her tights, ties a noose in them, and tries to hang herself.]

ROMEO: Can this be it? If so, 'tis true what actors say '
Much angst is brought by hosiery to men.

[The tights stretch as Juliet jumps and her feet land firmly on the floor.]

It seems the fates are on my side at last!
Admit defeat, and put away thy pride.
Thou art too bright a star to take thy place
Just yet amongst the rest. Stay here with me.
Thou shalt dazzle Darkness out of his rightful nest
And re'ignite the flames of famous love!

JULIET: Well now do I perceive the truth thou speakest:
It seems that Fate's great hand dost bid us live,
Despite the stars' predictions. It matters not:
Let's set the tragic trend a different course...
We'll beat the treacherous Destiny at her game
And make this tomb a monument to life!
I'm happy now that death will part us never '
'Tis Romeo and Juliet Forever! [She adds "forever" to the graffiti]

[As they kiss the earth moves ' literally, and the vault collapses on top of them. Through the hole that is left, the stars twinkle in the night sky.]

[Curtain]