I do not know how it happened but I put on eleven kilograms in the last twelve months. I do not recall either giving birth or being struck down with severe depression, but there you go.

Apparently I am not alone in this, not by a long shot. My company even has a slang term for it: the Heraldspread. Happens to everyone in their first year, they say. But seeing as I have just received a stratospheric promotion which will see me out visiting a whole lot more agencies and industry professionals I figure the time has come to do something about it. After all, nothing screams professionalism more than paunch in a suit.

Being that I am older and hopefully a little wiser I have opted not to go for the zany Oprah-guest diets of my salad days. (Pun intended.) Not that they didn’t work. The Carbohydrate Addict’s Diet, good ol’ Doctor Atkins, every one of them a winner.

No… A little over a week ago I opted for a soup diet. So I took myself off to buy a blender and every last vegetable in the four farthings of The Shire. Once I got home I hit the internet to look for recipes. There are some freaky definitions of ‘soup’ out there, let me tell you. I instantly dismissed any that required you to spread it over bread to serve. (That’s not soup! You have just whipped up an entire pot of satay sauce!) I also dismissed the ones that were not vegetable-based or that had less than one vegetable in them. Something tells me the ‘traditional’ Deep South Cheddar and Beer soup is not going to get me to my goal weight.

After I had assembled my shortlist I went to work goldilocking my way through the recipes. Pumpkin and Carrot Soup: Too spicy. Put that one in the ‘maybe repeat’ column. Vegetable Consomme: A little too much cabbage. Another one for the ‘maybe’ column.

Then we came to it. Zero Point celery soup. No manner of man or beast should have to endure what I went through last weekend. It was like holding your mouth open in front of a lawnmower’s waste chute –if the lawns being mowed were in Hell. And here is the kicker. The recipe concluded with “this soup is also delicious served cold.” Served cold? So that’s where that phrase about revenge came from! I cannot even bring myself to flush the remains. In my mind I picture entire schools of fish and pods of dolphins popping up to the surface completely dead.

The very next day I went out with colleagues for a boozy lunch to wash the taste of it from my soul. I just had the booze because I had some packet soups on my desk. And the booze led to an epiphany of sorts. I was switching from a soup diet to a liquid diet! Wine, Coke Zero… Maybe a little Slimfast on special occasions. And diet pills. There is a dizzying array of them in New Zealand and I am pretty sure that not a single one will be legal in the next couple of years. Best to get in while I still can.

Honestly, the lengths I will go to avoid regular exercise and a balanced diet. My next step is getting one of those Thailand holiday/gastric bypass combos that are so popular right now. And with the promotion I will be able to afford it. Then I will never have to hear the words celery soup again.

 G Preston White is a New Zealand-based freelance writer. He can be contacted via his website and blog. www.prestonwhite.co.nz